Santos in Marungko

I am having quite the time finding internet in the Philippines. I have visited several sketchy internet cafes, as well as leeched of the internet of my aunt's friend's daughter's (who was watching a Tohoshinki concert much to my amusement).

Anyway ... I am now in the impressive house of the Santos side. I have finally seen where a whole lot of money went, and I think it paid off quite well. Both my paternal grandparents are doing well, as far as I can tell. Of course, my lola just fell off her rocking chair in an attempt to transfer to the sofa so all I can do is continue to pray. I never realized the extent of the Santos family until I kept meeting cousin after cousin and constructed a family tree.

Now for Santos in emo-mode ... I have never felt so incompetent or so much like a disappointment until now, visiting family in the Philippines. The fact that I just can't speak Tagalog is going to haunt me for the rest of my life (or until I actually learn). Why didn't I learn in the 21 years (almost 22) that I have been living with my parents? Their reasons for not teaching me and my sister are as follows:

1. They did not want us to have a difficult time learning English.
2. They did not want us to have an accent and be teased by peers.
3. We said it "sounded funny" when we were young. What did we know then?
4. My mom said it was easier yelling at us in English then in Tagalog.
5. We were enrolled in a Tagalog class but apparently due to low enrollment it was canceled.

I know, I know, I should just get over it and teach myself so I can stop feeling like a failure. However, I just can't learn a language on my own. I need accountability, encouragement, grades! I know how important it is for me to learn ... my own grandmother (who is 93) is sitting a few feet away from me and I just can't talk to her! But it just hasn't been working.

So, a word of caution to all those Filipino-Americans out there - learn a little Tagalog before visiting the Philippines, even if it kills you. I have heard that Rosetta Stone and Pimsleur are effective. I have been teased constantly by my own parents, all my aunts and uncles, and especially my cousins for not knowing how to speak. They make fun of my futile attempts and especially my pronunciation.

I have also felt like a disappointment to my parents because of my choice of major in college. When my mom tells my relatives "International Studies and Sociology" they look at her and wonder what that is supposed to amount to. I know my mother wonders the same thing. I think she wants me to be a lawyer because that would bring prestige to the family the same way a doctor (or nurse) would, which I have repeatedly said I have no talent for. I know that being an idealist doesn't exactly amount to job opportunities, but that's what I enjoy doing. What to do ...